Hmm... After I got back to Sweden from my weekend in London, I have started thinking alot about my past. Who I have been, where I have been, and what I am doing. I have known for a very long time what I have wanted for myself and out of life. I still do. I promised myself that this was going to be my year, my year to enjoy myself, explore with myself and really develop into the individual I want to be. This is my time to do it. I started off fresh, didn't know anybody and I had a whole new world to play with. I lost someone important to me, which I know really got to me even if I have been pushing it aside. I have kept on reminding myself that it is for the better, and it really has been. When you give yourself time and space to grow you really start to see what life is playing out to be. You start to realize who is suppose to be in your life, who shouldn't and what sort of things should be done. When you are standing on a bridge and looking back on your life, you smile. You smile because it was so great. I know I smile because I have so many great memories shared with people I love. But just because I look back, doesn't mean I want it back. But it is nice to go back to once in a while. Everyday I struggle with maturing and moulding into the the adult I want to become. What I now have realized is, without even trying, I have been everyday since I was born. It is the changes in my life that has allowed me to take a step back and think now what? What I am now suppose to do? Changes happen for a reason. Not to hurt you or to make you suffer, it is to challenge you, to challenge your emotionally and "mentally". Without changes, you wouldn't get anywhere in life. Struggles are only for the better. It is something that you should think about when you are going through something hard; It may suck right now, but in the long run it will only do you good and make you stronger. I know just a few months ago, the thought of a person made me cry, because I missed them so much. But after just a little time and some perspective, I am now smiling knowing that you are happy, that life is treating you well. I always thought you needed me and most importantly that I needed you as well in order to be happy. But months later, I am doing good. I am in a place in my life where I am happy with myself and I am happy for you. I want you to know that I finally see the problems and issues and characteristics of me and you, where it went wrong and where we went right. I have realized, we were both fools. But most importantly, we were young. This is what I mean, this is what you realize. When you are young you do silly things that effects the present so much; either makes you happy and willing to fight more or something that makes you give up. But as time floats past us and the more we grow up, we realize how silly it actually was. The struggle of power. I want to remind everyone about this, just as you are about to give up, give up. Giving up may be for losers, but setting something free is just wise. I am wise. I set something free, not because I wanted but because I had to. Now it has made both that person and I a favour. You become independent, you learn things about yourself that you didn't know before, and you allow that person to expand too. If you love something, set it free, if it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't even yours to begin with.
I am still not ready, but the day when I am ready, I will come and hug you. Because that is the only thing I will have to say to you and will want to do to you.
This is a very personal post, but I think alot of people can relate to it, I know alot of my friends can. What I am saying is that when you set something free you are not only doing them a favour, but also yourself. You cannot be scared to grow, you cannot fear the changes, you just have to learn to adjust. There may be anger and disappointment inside of you, but you also have to remember all the other things. All the other good stuff; the way they made you smile, the way they made you feel, the way the brightened up your room, the way the flipped your everyday around. Because no matter what storms and fights you have had with a friend, loved one or a family member, was only because they cared. Fighting is about caring. If someone didn't care, they wouldn't be bothered to waste their energy on fighting. So when you give yourself time, you finally see how silly those fights were compared to the precious time you actually shared with one and other. Why do you have to fight? Why can you not compromise? You want to be happy, and so do they? Fighting doesn't make you happy. So if you have set something free, and they return (whether it is as a lover or a friend), don't do the stupid mistake that tore you guys apart once before. Learn from your past and prove the world that you have grown up. Otherwise, you weren't ready to be brought back to one and other, and you will be back at square one again. So I am taking my time, and I am learning so that I one day can be your friend and hear about everything I have been missing out on. Until then, thank you for setting me free, and you're welcome. I know I will see you again; someday and somewhere. That day, I know we will be laughing at all the silly things, Just like I am doing now. And we will be creating new memories for our scrapbook. Until then I will just continue to miss you. :)
