You only have control of your own actions, not anybody else's. Therefore, you have to take responsibility for what you do and say. Right now, I am thinking about an action which I have been pleading was completely innocent before. But now, when I think about what I have just done which is very unlike me, makes me wonder why I did it.
I told a white lie. A little one, into the consideration of not hurting you. But as my father once taught me, the truth always comes out no matter how hard you try to cover it.
I guess I always knew that it would come out, maybe in a way I wanted it to.
Maybe I wanted to see if you truly meant everything you told me. Maybe I wanted to see if it would really effect you. Or maybe just to see if your feelings were true.
From playing this little innocent game, that is once was, I did not only end up hurting you but also myself.
I now feel like I don't really know myself any longer. This is not the Stina that I once knew. The Stina that would go to bed every night with a smile, because she knew that she was loved by you. After everything we have been or not been, in the end of every day, I still loved you because I loved the person that I was with you.
Now, I don't even know what I am, or who I am.
No matter where in the world I will be, or how happy I am in the place where I am, its hard being fulfilled when such a big part of me is missing.
I know you are reading this. I need time to find that Stina that I once was, so I know that I will never do it to you again. Because hurting you this much was the biggest mistake I have ever done. But the best realization for myself that I could possibly get.
I promised you once, that I would never change, that I would always remain your Stina Fina.
So I promise you now, I am going to find the Stina that I, myself, even used to admire.
All I can say now is that, I'm sorry.
