Big part of my trip was not only to get away from the cold and tan, but most importantly it was to get away and get some perspective on things and find myself (as cliché as that sounds).
I really like the saying "Life isn't about finding yourself, it is about creating yourself." and that is something that I have always lived by. However, what I have realized lately is that life is about understanding yourself. These past months I have meditated, read many many books on positive psychology, spirituality, karm, you name it. I am not saying that these books have the answers, but they have really helped to open my third eye. Yesterday in my meditation class the teacher made us make a sound by the end of the class that goes "Ahhhmmmmmoooooahhhhh" and you do it until you no longer have any air left in your body. We were suppose to do it five times, but by the third time I started laughing so much because my collar bones started vibrating so much. And my teacher went "She has so much happiness inside of her, that it just has to come out of her." and then he said "The outer joy are just circumstances for your inner joy and happiness." I really liked what he was talking about, so I approached him after class. And then he sat down talking for a while and he said something I have never heard before. "Stina, you have such a colorful aura. Very strong and independent, but very very CALM." MY first reaction "CALM?! I have never never ever had anyone tell me that I was calm." And he smiled at me and said "It is because you have control of everything. YOu have control of your feelings, your emotions, you know where you are standing. You understand your past, and you have decided where you are going in the future. You are in control of yourself." He then put his hand over my heart and said "You heart has had a recent big battle, but what a fighter! so strong, so confident and very very brave." and that is exactly what I have been feeling. I haven't been able to really describe my feelings lately because I couldn't put them into words. But he just did. I have finally given myself the time to grasp everything that has happened, understood it, forgiven and moved on. Which has given me a great understanding of myself as a person. I have learned more things about myself the past couple of weeks, than I have in my entire life. I have learned to grasp my feelings, I have learned to understand them and most importantly, I have learned things about myself that I never thought of before. I am in control of life. Because I have learned that having control of myself, has allowed me even more liberty to grasp my surrounding. I have learned to listen alot more. Grasp what is happening around me, feeling and understanding what is going on. That is what control is. When you have control, there is no drama, because drama is a form of insecurity that confidence doesn't emphasize, therefore neglects it and doesn't allow in its presents. It is soothing. But importantly it is the most liberal feeling I have ever felt. This is what life is about. I think we all come to this at some point in our lives. Some sooner than other. But we all get there, in different ways. And this was my way...My very own "eat, pray, love trip" So whoever thinks meditating is bullshit, well you haven't tried it, or you aren't doing it right. Give yourself an hour a day. And do it at least for a month, you will learn so much about yourself, and get a greater power and control than you ever imagined.
I'm healed. I'm self fulfilled.