Sunday, August 26, 2012
To everyone who keeps asking how I am doing...
Saying "I am single. I am lonely. I am sad."isn't the easiest. Because the expectations you carry around on yourself defeats you. When it actually is the only way of getting stronger and moving forward. It's been a month, with a whole lot of up and down, a lot of mixed feelings. I am an excellent person when it comes to trying to ignore what I really feel. But what I have learned is that it takes a lot more energy trying to hide feelings and pushing them aside and pretending that the sun is brighter than ever, than feeling and dealing with them.
Because finally the day arrives when you have absolutely no energy left, and the suppressed feelings are just pushing right back in your face, and then you have no energy left of dealing with the feelings, and it all comes raining down on you.
That is why I find it important to feel, but most importantly admitting what you are feeling. It is OK to be upset, it is OK to feel lonely, even if you have hundreds of amazing people around you trying to support you through it. Because no matter how great and supportive those friends and family are to you, the only support and strength your heart need, is from yourself.
Admitting is the first step of taking charge of the new adjustments.
I hate being alone. I hate not being able to make breakfast for someone. I hate not having anyone to kiss good night. I hate not having someone to do the morning dance with me, lifting me up and throwing me around and tickling me on the bed, I hate not having someone wiping my tears away with kisses. I hate not having you to tell all my secrets. I hate not having someone to say the words "You're my family" to. I hate the fact that I have over 4000 photos with you to remind me of some of the best moments that I have experienced. I hate that time goes by so slowly now, when the days of june and july just flew by so fast. This is the worst feeling, not having the moments that I have lived for and longed for for so long. This was not what we planned. This wasn't what we wanted 2 months ago, this is not what I waited a year for. This is not at all what you promised me. I hate the fact that you feel the same feelings yet too afraid to admit it.
So of course I am upset. Of course I cry. People that think I am so strong, I am not. People that see me as the happiest person ever, I am not. Not right now. But I am optimistic, because I believe bad things fall apart so that good things fall together.
But I do cry.
I cry because this was not how I was planning on spending my final month of summer. We were supposed to be driving around italy exploring the country of love and passion.
Im crying because I am so lost. Im crying because you were my meaning to life and all of a sudden, nothing makes sense any longer.
So I'm crying because the most amazing person that has ever walked into my life, is not only no longer there, but doesn't even exist. I hate that you are not the same person any longer. And I hate the fact that I am.